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Song of the moment - Charlie Wilson's - Without You....I think we both realize that life is scary, disappointing, and boring without your lover near. This is the song that played as we drove off for our surprise lunch date. Well, I am sort of speechless, shocked, excited, you name it.... HE showed up at a time when I was having one of my worst days at work. Things didn't go well from the moment I clocked in... (yes, we're salaried employees, and still clock in). I was walking in the front office area, and happen to turn around as a visitor was signing in at the desk. Believe me not, I stopped breathing for a slight second. I immediately grabbed my cheeks to cover the "blushing mode"... He looked lovingly with his gorgeous eyes, and knew what he had just done.... All the feelings of disappointment, and unhappiness seeped right away .... He commented on his weight loss, and made a few comments about my new man.... I just smiled and told him... "I am still single, and not interested in anyone else, although, I was waiting for one person in particular......!" We enjoyed lunch, and HE returned me to work. I had to show him my "beat up black bug"... someone recently hit me, and now my driver side headlight is busted... I have a "ghetto black bug" now - one light on, one off.... dang! The other person's insurance company is giving me the run around. HE mentioned that someone use to assist with keeping it clean, but I guess they are no longer around (talking about himself)... I told him that I wished that some one was still around.... (does this read like puppy love, perhaps it does... I am a beginner at all of this. If your cofused, HE is the man who stole my heart, and hasn't released it... HE is my first and only love..., and I think he's bacccccck... AT LEAST I HOPE SO....! ) We said our goodbye's, and headed our separate ways..... I instantly felt revived, releaved, and on CLOUD NINE. GOD has apparently been listening to my prayers, because this man - the one I feel deeply in love with, is bacccck. Hopefully to make things lasts a life time.... at least this is what I want! I paged HIM with this wireless message... my message was - Thanks for improving my day! Now I know my prayers aren't being unanswered. I've missed you. He paged with this wireless message....I enjoyed seeing you sexy. Let's do that again real soon. Gesh.. how is a girl to keep working with so many interesting thoughts running through her little head.....! I will figure it out some how..... as I enjoy knowing that he's back...... got a chance to chat with HIM again, and this conversation has gotten us travelling again... to where, i am unsure. we appear to be so happy, and goo-goo. where is he taking me now... i am not sure, but i am grinning from cheek to cheek right now. i want this to work so bad. it's rather strange that all the things i have questioned in my thoughts lately, are some how being revealed in the exchange of words between he and I.... Is he able to read minds now????? Yeah Right! Today's conversation went like this: (As he played with his electronic gadgets in the family room) We talked after the convesation for about an hour as he prepared to go to work. He said so many wonderful things, and probably had\has a hidden agenda.. hell I don't know, but I am going to roll with the punches as they are pasted. I have put up some safeguarded protection for my emotional state.....! Oh Well, Here we goooooooooooo! renaissancesistah_2000: good morning  Sitting alone Song of the Moment - Oleta Adam's - Rhythm of Life....As we each encounter and embrace our troubles and turmoils, the world keeps on moving forward... It's the rhythm of life.... Well, I have to say that it's been an interesting few days... I woke up feeling quite wonderful and smiling this morning. I felt something new coming on. I had a long talk with my play mother, and digested the conversation well. I had not spoken with her for several months because of my depressive state, and attempted to contact her for several days. We were able to talk last night for a while, and I felt good about the conversation. I had to admit that I wasn't at my best, and was caught in a bit of a slump. She understood very easily, and offered tips or ways to divert my attention, activity, and ways of life to get me rolling again. We touched on therapy, but I mentioned being content with the self-therapy that I've often resorted to through these 29 years of living. I think I am at my best when I am alone, and can work through my personal disappointments, emotions, and thoughts. I told her about my journal, and even gave her the web address I am not sure where this will lead me, but I am not afraid... I am growing old, and I have to continue to learn to survive and crawl out of this anti-social shell..... I had lunch with my new friend at work. We had something strange from the St. Louis Bread Company, along with our strange conversation regarding men. We both pitched hits/jokes about the men in our lives. She has the hots for a male that works at the job, but she thinks her two children will hinder her & him from pursuing a relationship. She reminds me of me a little. She's shy\bashful, and laughs a lot to hide her true emotions. She has a quiet demeanor, but brightens up when approached by interesting subjects\ humans, etc. By the way, she's been talking like a race car (60mph non stop) ......I can't get her to quiet down sometimes. I don't mind though... She offers a listening ear for me.... Anyhow, she mentions HIM to me, and ask how I am doing with the separation. I let her know that I've been in this slump since ending the relationship, and I truly miss his presence in my life. She mentions that I don't appear to have put closure to the relationship, and I told her I wasn't able to, that he wouldn't allow me too. She asked why I haven't called, and I just told her that I am not sure... fear, being afraid. WELL GUESS WHAT....He called, well first, we chatted in yahoo messenger. I was pondering with the decision to delete and ignore his chat sessions, but didn't get around to going through with it. Anyhow, the conversation went like this..... HIM: Hello There Before the conversation became idle, he called .....WOW....He sounded so happy & excited, along with myself. He mentioned that "It is so nice hearing your voice"... all I could pull together to say was "same here"... I was pretty quiet..., well, my jaws were locked in "the blushing stage"... he then says... I can see you "blushing through the phone"... I feel out laughing. He still remembers me.....! He played all these different songs and said they reminded him of me, and that he missed me, I again said "same here"... He asked if I would take him out again, and I said he should be taking me out... that we could take each other out.... He played more songs, as he counted the measurements for his windows. He mentioned that his relationship with his dad had improved a great deal, and he was happy. ( We use to talk about one another families, and the trouble we both faced)... I told him it was good to hear his voice. I couldn't come up with much to say, being that my jaws were in lock mode. He then mentioned that he had to run to Home Depot to pick up some things, and wanted to call me later. He asked what time I got off work, and that he would email me later on my pager. He asked if I remembered his email address, and I acted as though I didn't ... He gave it again, and I later emailed him ..... Gosh... I feel damn good right now... I know I punked out, because I gave in to him very easily... I didn't feel like being mean, nasty, and out of place. I am in love.... I don't know how or what to do to move on, but right now I am stuck, stuck on HIM, stuck on WFS... I don't know what to do accept enjoy each moment as it plays out... everything happens for a reason, and I just have to wait...... Peace... I am outta here... need to get back to work! Oh, by the way, I caught "Crouching Tiger"... a wonderful movie, you must go see it if you haven't... you would be missing out on something wonderful. Sunday, February 18, 2001Song of the Moment - Rachelle Farrell's "I Forgive You", playing repeatly in the background as I type .....To explain this state of depression I am in, invites many questions that I don't want to answer. I just feel so devastated that I've experienced and lost my first love, and the lost of it has left me so empty. My life is at a stand still. I feel hopeless and fearfull. I hide from others, not wanting to share my current state of emotions. I am wondering if I will encounter this again, and how I will deal with it. This feeling of having so much love for another man and not being able to cope and deal with the disappointments, and the unhappiness... How am I to handle this in the future. I've discovered that I have to be responsible for me, my happiness, my mood, my life. I can't just shut down, and push all else away (family, friends, life). The good side of this is ....I walk away from my first love, feeling like a woman? hmmm, go figure. I felt like a little girl or youngster for so long, and I think this has forced me to grow up. Yes, I am considered mature, independant, and educated, but I feel like a complete "fool" for letting this happen... happen to me. I have to remind myself..... that I will not always be in control of what happens to me and around me. I am so tired of feeling & being in pain, I wanna love & hold another again, I don't want this to defeat me, or leave me feeling as I do now ...never, ever again. I'm moving slowly forward... I will come around eventually, but now I'd like to sit, digest, and ponder for a while. Song of the Moment - Aretha Franklin's - Ain't No Way..... This one is still on top of the daily mp3 rotation.... unhappy and needing a new life somewhere across the world from here... bored, lonely, empty.....What's a girl to do??????? hmmmmmmm. I will keep praying, wishing, dreaming and sleep, sleep, sleep......
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